2014 and the past

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8H-VIdLD_28

At 1:20:00 of this video really show that, a man will become powerful when he have love as his strength to protect. He will do anything, anything to impress his love one and to make sure that he is the right one for her but when a man trying to fulfill his duty just for the sake on being responsible person, a woman heart may change. When that happen, that man will darken his heart with all the doubt that he kept all this while.

In this movie, i really feel how this guy feel (the green one). I've experience it.

What he should do is to actually leave her, let her go. Because his heart has darken and harden.. he has become a cruel man.

Me? how i overcome it? with food, games and luxuries ofcause, thats obvious. I force myself to enjoy all the hardwork that I've earn. That's what happen from 2010-2013

2014? I'll try to stand up again.

to be continue..

2014

tahun yang aku plan nak dirikan rumahtangga. dengan siapa? aku pun tak tau, calon pun belum ader. akan aku usaha kan dengan cara istiqamah..tapi tak tahu bagaimana aku nak bermulanya.harus aku bermula dengan facebook? dengan event? entah lah.. aku pun tidak pandai berbual tidak pandai memikat.

aku hanya redah dan sentiasa mula memperbaiki diri ku
ws

dicorong perhentian

kadang2 aku masih tertanya2.. mengapa aku masih mencari dia?
masa telah lama berlalu dan hidup telah pun di terus kan, tetapi kenape masih mencari? ape yang aku akan dapat kalau aku temui?

adekah aku semakin lemah dah jadi kan peristiwa yang lalu itu sebagai alasan?
ya Allah bantunilah hamba mu ini.

hatiku

Terdengar syarahan ustaz kazim di radio, tentang percintaan. Katanya akan bertemu menentang mata lalu jatuh cinta.hmm persoalannya, akan kah aku jatuh cinta? Sedamgkan hati ku teramat keras? Wallahuaklam

sweet addict

Alhamdulilllah today is my third day without sugar and carb. I've also set a challenge of 100 days without chocolate and today is my 34th day. Yes im addicted to sugar and carb, i realize that when i took out the challenge. every food we eat consist of sugar, and sugar is the cause of FATS. hopefully i can do it in 10 days then i'll start with minimal sugar consume and consume artificial sugar. current weight from 129, now is 124.5

self reflection 1

Until today I keep asking myself.. why I play games? Do I need to play? What am I trying to acheive?

Fyi, I've just quit WOW (world of warcraft), why? Because I don't have real friends to play with. I may have alot of online friends from all over the world but I dont see any praising or challenging to play.. sometime I just feel "I have to play or else I waste my time, I need this valor point I need this item I need this profession so that I can look good" all that is just my imagination, as if I am the one holding the sword slashing monster and demons.

So back to the questions, why I play games?
I have some real friends like hairil, wan, rab and hafizul playing common/leasure games like WOT(world of tanks) and dota2, the best reason why I play with them because of friendship, I do not want to loose that friendship.i guess I dont need to be pro or excel in gaming, I just have to spend my time with them together. Thats all.

The reason why I ask this question is because..usually I reach home at 8pm, by right I need to sleep at 10pm but most of the time I play until 12am and I need to wake up at 5.30am. I always feel sleepy and unproductive at work. I ever ask myself this questions;
If I only have 2 hour for myself, what happen if I have a girlfriend, a wife?

To recalled back the past 7 years (yah I've been single for years because I'm busy playing games and have alot of fun in my life) almost everyday I have to spent my time over the phone for about up to 2hour updating each other what happened at work(lol its like WOW dailies XD),then spending overseas call up to $500-$600 a month for 1 year just to keep in contact . (Still end up fail relationship due to parent expectation issue, I guess) lol what ever with the past but the main thing is that I need to change.

Oh yah, one thing that I realized, when being single you start to talk to yourself. Its like whatever you feel you think, its all with your inner self. To think of it, its kinda sad actually (forever alone)

During my young programmer days (20years old) after I start understanding how programming works, I felt stupid. I said "only stupid people play games because obviously its not real, its what your program and ask the computer to do" few months later I start to continue playing because I felt lonely and nothing better to do. Yes I do have good skills in playing games, everyone knows that. Its the feeling of being good at what your doing. I cant say its my alternative life but its more like you enjoy playing.

So at this age, as I said.. I dont really feel the enjoyment but rather I feel im being force to play it :S

 lets talk about time. The past 6month i notice ive spent more time with my family but I left my friends due to my condition staying at jb and work. The only way to get connected with my friends is thru online.why?

As usual, mon-fri I busy working, saturday is consider my rest day, sunday I had to wash my cloth clean the house and yah rest and sleep.

Lets review my main plan for this year
1- slim down (planning to marry next year but no idea who to marry with, just prepare)
2- driving licence
3- specialist course

Things that I interested to do
1-mechatronics
2-ukhrawi studies!! (Damn I totally forget this as part of my main goal)
3-diving course
4-self travelling
5-alot more ah

Damn so many things I wana do but so little time.
I can do if I really wana do but which is the most importnat part in life to do, thats the thing. So I guess I must have discipline to follow my schedule in order for me to acheive the main 3 thing that I really wana have. :)

kisah keluarga ku dulu dan kini

Akhirnya matlamat aku pindah ke JB tercapai. Motive aku adalah untuk menyatu padukan keluarga kerana  sebelum ini semua buat hal masing2. Semasa ketika dahulu ayah ku berkerja sebagai security office, dia selalu kerja di waktu malam dan balik esok pagi. Jarang kami bertemu, hari cutinya di hadkan pada hari minggu sahaja,jadi  selalunya hari sabtu adalah hari keluarga. Pada setiap hari sabtu malam, saya akan tayangkan movie yang saya muat turun buat nya. Kami akan berkumpul di bilik saya dan kemudian menjamu selera dengan makanan2 yang seba mewah hinggalah jam 3-4pagi. Begitu lah setiap minggu. dan kemudian menjamu selera dengan makanan2 yang seba mewah hinggalah jam 3-4pagi. Begitu lah setiap minggu.

Ibuku berkeja sebagai pembantu gerai makan di NUS,kerja selama 5 hari dan selalunya ibuku yang menyiapkan bekalan untuk ayah ke ke kerja setelah
Ibu ku pulang. Jadi mereka jarang meluangkan masa sesama, jika ada pun amat singkat. Seperti contoh,ibu ku tiba rumah pada jam 5 petang,jam 6.30 petang ayah ku akan mula keluar rumah untuk berkeja.

Adik lelaki ku pulak,asyik siiibuk dengan kawan2 nya. Mesti ada sahaja bola atau activity sch.   Adik perempuan pula selalu tiba pulang ke rumah hampir2 magrib,saya pula selalu balik jam 12pagi atau 1pagi,kerana shift work dan begitu lah cara hidup kami sebelum ini.

Namun kini,kami semakin rapat sesama keluarga, mana ke tidaknya.. Pergi balik kami bersama, ayah ku mula tukar shift kerja di waktu pagi, aku pula mula mencarik tempat kerja yang baru,office hr.

Selalunya jam 4.50 pagi,ayah ku akan bangun dulu,untuk sarapan. Dia mula mengejut ku pada jam 5.15 dan setelah itu yang lain. Kami akan mula bergerak keluar dari rumah pada jam 5.45,kerana jika kita lewat ke check point selepas jam 6.15,mula lah kereta beratur :S   Tiba sahaja di singapura,kami solat bersama di masjid, kemudian bersurai di stasen MRT.

Masa pulang pula kami semua bertemu di tempat2 yanh telah di janji kan :D   Haha semasa dalam perjalanan pulang,mula lah semua berkongsi cerita di tempat kerja dan sekolah,kecoh dI buat nya,semua nak cakap hahaaha.   Bila saya renung diri saya dahulu,jarang saya meluangkan masa dengan keluarga. Sampai rumah sahaja masuk bilik,lock pintu kemudian main game. Kini... Nak main game pun dah penat. Hahaha

masa depan dari skrg

jika belum masa nya jodoh untuk ku, makan bukan bagi ku untuk merisau kan.. malah aku harus tumpukan lebih lagi pada pelajaran, aku masih lagi 26, belum lagi 27(jun nie) so ibarat lagi 2 tahun lagi untuk aku tumpukan pelajaran sebelum dead line aku harus kawin 28.


ok tolak hal kawin, skrg nie aku nak jumpe kan mase depan aku yang LEBIH lebih lebih cerah lagi, insya Allah :)


masanya untuk ukhwari ku.

Allah helping me? :S

I guess Allah really dont want me to waste time playing WOW -.-"
after one another seh problem, if not because of the internet problem, its gona be game time expired problem, then system problem, then account problem, then today.. im not sure its either account or system problem which requirement to download a big chuck of files which right now im having slow speed connection issue. GRR!!!

i give up?
maybe...

the past that makes me today but the future is not yet written

when ur heart had been deeply wounded, how could u open and let someone enter?
the only way to channel the blood flow from dripping it to waste is to channel it
to anger and rage, which will cause the heart to be harden in order to heal and
create more protection layer on the wounded area.

Falling in love is not easy after that. Its a big risk to let someone in.
For 5 years,i havent meet someone who i can trust and let any of them enter in
my heart. Its now full or anger and rage. Shielded with wild fire, burning the
blood stream to make my eye goes in blaze.

At times, my heart will go frozen solid, without thinking i'll use use my tongue
as poisonous sword that will cut thru people heart which will bleed for years.

I am who i am now.

Bachelor?

hahaha itu lah dulu kecik2 suke tgk citer bachelor kan, kan skrg dah dewasa jadi
bachelor, LOL.

kenape begitu?
hahaha, semua aku ader tapi pompan ajer kau takder XD
duit no hal(alhamdulillah), masak sendiri tau,kemas rumah sendiri tau, nak
bertukang pun tau, nak buat robot pun tau dan macam2 lah.. kadang tertanyer soalan
kenape nak kene kawin eh? hidup aku seolah2 complete.

nak ader perempuan untuk ape? sex? nah... kalau macam tu sape2 ajer aku blh jadikan
isteri. Maybe untuk mengisi mana ruang kelemahan atau ruang kosong yang aku betul2
tak boleh lakukan seorang.

Kalau nak yang lawa.. ramai.. tapi semua bodoh2 uh... yes aku boleh ajar... tapi
aku takder time nak ajar from square 1. Bodoh dari segi, tak tau langsung kenape peri penting nya
keperluan computer dan technology, tak tau system singapore, politic singapore, tak tau masak, tak tau
bagai mana nak atasi masalah, tak tau nak bezakan mana yang baik dan buruk, tak tau
ckp beralas dan tak tau nak tgk masa dan keadaan.

dah tu adap,
kadang2 adap nyer tu sembrono, suke ckp yang bukan2, kasar,tak sopan, pakaiyan
yang menjolok kan mate, khiyasan muke yang keterlaluan dan macam2 lah.

itu sebab nyer aku masih single, pasal aku memang benar2 memilih.


Aku prefer perempuan yang simple, bijak dan pandai, lebih2 bab ukhrawi (sebab kat
situ memang aku lemah), rupe tak semestinya kene cantik tapi asalkan tahu jaga
kesihatan kan jaga kebersihan dah ok(heh itu sebab aku prefer yang slim), ke tinggian
yang ok2 boleh lah, kalau pendek sangat (macam kepaler dier kat perut aku kire dah
out balance uh) kire gituk dah susah sikit uh kan.

Tapikan,mengikut research aku... siapa diri kau, dia lah yang macam itu untuk kau.
Kate orang, kufu. jadi kire kan nak ckp skrg nie.. aku tak sekufu dengan wanita
idaman ku, Pasal wanita solehah yang aku minat semua level dier lagi tinggi dari aku :S
dan kebanyakkan wanita nak lelaki itu mendorong dier, bukan wanita tu mendorong lelaki.

Hmm nampak nyer either aku tak kawin atau aku akan work on in.
skrg umur aku nak cecah 27. worst come to worst 28 aku mesti nak kene kawin. jadi aku
cume ader 1 tahun untuk mencapai cinta2 aku nie :D
(ustaz dulu ckp, kejarkan cita2 baru lah bercinta, skrg cita2 dah capai, cinta pulak
yang aku carik kan)

soalan pertama, boleh ke aku lakukan selama setahun nie? atau umur 30 tahun baru
realistic untuk aku capai?

tapi raja jepon ader ckp "its not how late u get married, but its who u really want to be part of your life"

a wake up call?

I've been in WOW life almost everyday... i couldn't say im addicted or hook, its just like an alternative life to me(a virtual). its like i got to be who i wana be, "the evil dark power hero". A hero who did not want fame but power and to be the strongest. How ever all that fantasy die when comes to the real world. In real world i dont give a damn about my life, dont give a damn about girls or finding wife or people around me, i just ignore and take the simplest path.

I've made alot of new friends online, most of them in US (since Im using US server). Until one day i tap in every each of them to ask personal life matter. Most of them are single, old and kinda lonely. Some are married but their stats wasn't very good though. You can be a great player but u wont have life, you can have life but u wont be a great player.

I knew alot of my colleague who is old,single and a gamer :S
It scared me though... Old is like 30++, 37 or somewhere there.
I think i'm gona make a change... im not gona stop playing games but keep it to the minimal... because im a person who if i stop playing and i start to continue back again, i become a hardcore gamer :S (like what i am now)

I think for now.. I'll divide my time to 2hr + 2hr.
2hr from 7am - 9am (doing raid/dungeon)
2hr from 8pm-10pm (doing dailies)
this way i have more time for self studies during my free time at work (i got lot of free time, almost everyday)
and focus my weekend on gaming, I'll only be able to contact or go out with my friends after i pass my driving license.. that's what i've promise myself.

life update

life sucks in this few days, everyday wow-ing (world of warcraft). I've lost interest in finding life companion because most of the time its just being friendzone and i really hate when ppl say "ur a good man, girls who leave u is a big lost" DAMN i hate it when it always happen. so yah... 24/7 infront of my computer, having fun with online friends (which they only exist in virtual life).so yah.. im kinda lost right now... the only thing that came into my mind is just WOW... thats all...ws

Right now im in a stage of..nothing. I have everything and I have nothing. I got nothing to loose Nothing worthy A stage where.. I had my enjoyment..  I had whatever I want Ive experience richness I have all the latest technology thay I want till I feel I dont need it any more or shall I say... I have nothing that I want. Yer again.. I have nothing. I got no problem in life I got nothing that I really want and chase for it. What I dont have is whay I dont want stress about.

This is what happen yo my life :)

during school day, how i wish we have CS or computer gaming as part of CCA, like VGHS ^^
http://www.youtube.com/channel/SWDiA-4bf1nGw

what will student gain?
-creativity
-strategic and critical mind
-computer physic
-they will start to appreciated how computer is created when they learn programming
-team building spirit 
-bonding with social
-and many more.

in fact most sch or ppl would see, gaming is a waste of time but by my experience most of my working technique i learn is from my gaming experience, example: i used to play starcraft, its a strategy game. By knowing who is capable and know what is our priority objective, i began to learn how to win the game more effectively. 

To apply that on reality,here is what im gona share about my experiences. I was 20, I'm a job hopper so I just started working with the logistic company, after 2 month I was selected to be the supervisor and I really don't know much about the role of supervisor, I was given the responsibility to take care about hundreds of worker working under that company,all you have to do is to deploy them and make sure they know how to do their job well. 

Alhamdulillah i got alot of colleague that is so helpful but its not as easy as pointing people to deploy here and there,people have their own attitude and behavior. You can become strict but you don't want people to hate you that's why you have to understand people by knowing what's their capability, whats the job require at certain deployment and at the same time know and understand their problem so that they understand whats the company problem is. Plus they are the one who's always on the ground, as supervisor i need to know whats happening and listen to their views, so that i can create a better strategy to solve everybody and the company problem 

i dont learn all this in school or in text book.

I bet some of you playing games like "DOTA", to me its a stressful game because you will always get scolded from people from being a noob, you can quit and leave but you will never learn to be pro if you never understand whats going wrong. Plus most player prefer to criticize rather than advise, that's where play learn how to control their temper as anger management. 

Other casual games like L4D, its a coop games where we start to create bond by helping one another and laughing together. Its an activity to strengthen to bond actually ^^ (my days was CS)

haha well i hope we have this kinda CCA(in my dream i think), it will be more interesting if we have grp and agenda for education. Instead of everyday facing the boring text book (which most of the things we learn never apply in reality like some of the maths formula, LOL try apply it in customer service line) 

hehe well im Just sharing 

Thank you for taking your time reading this 

long update

Alhamdulillah!!! Maaf yer dah lame tak update, ah! dah seminggu lebih dah tingal JB nie... baik dok!! ape yang baik dier?

1- Rumah besar!!
2- Halaman rumah Luas dan ader Playground untuk anak2 sedare, depan dier pulak security guard
3- Makan saner MURAH giler! blanje makan 5keluarga, harganya hanya RM78... hehe hari2 makan luar pun tetap murah ^^
4- haha gi kerje tak yah susah2 nak kene jalan kaki naik bus semua, bangun ajer naik kerete, duduk dah tu sampai tempat kerje (lol makin gemok lag aku XD)
5-Sunyi! best! senang nak Hafal Quran :D


Tapi kan, tak semua nyer best lahkan... yang tak best dier:
1- INTERNET!!! hahaha beli 4g device (YES) tapi itu lah limited, so planning nak kene apply for streamyx by TM ah ini macam, pasal nak main game tak boleh :( slow giler! jadi bayang kan 2 minggu tanpa game! :(
ada bagus dier jugek ah takder internet, terpaksa tgk tv kan luar dgn main game kat luar dgn adik2.. (family bonding lah kan)

2- DUIT! hahaha T_T biler pindah nie kan baaaaanyak pakai duit! habis semua duit simpanan aku, kire2 kan dah habis about $15k just to pay the house rental,car and mover why $15k?

rental rumah:

• 1month 1.9k RM
• so owner ask 1+1 (1month deposit and 1month advance)
• deposite bill 1800rm (pasal ader aircon
• duit agent, agent mintak  half month 950rm
• total: 8450RM about 3400SGD

Kerete:

• deposite 6k
• bulan2 $800++

Mover:

• 400rm bayar custom for documentation
• lorry 14kaki tak silap: 1600rm 
• dah tu pekerje $50 seorang (ade 3 orang)
• total: 2000rm to sgd  = 800 +150 = 950SGD (senang kate letak lah $1kSGD

jadi total nyer: about $10400, belum termasuk duit makan dan minyak dan tol. :)